Booze Rules in Thailand

[M. G.]

Booze rules a pretty rum do


Pattaya Mayor Nibblemy Watchamacallit recently issued a press release informing local media of a memo sent to his office by Interior Minister Be-bop-alula Shesmybaby.

The memo noted that the government of Fearless Leader has decided to introduce further sweeping reforms designed to curb underage drinking, drug taking and motorbike racing.

The aim is to funnel the energies of Thai youth toward more wholesome and morally uplifting activities such as macramé and animal husbandry.

Because of its reputation as a den of iniquity, and because of the desire of Fearless Leader and his cronies to annoy low-quality tourists – also known as the local expat population – Pattaya has been chosen as the first center for social engineering.

As a first step the strict regulation of the hours businesses are able to sell alcohol to the public wilol be introduced. The rules for the selling of alcoholic substances over the counter in supermarkets, corner stores, 7-Elevens and Family Marts are:

• No alcohol may be biught by anyone, other than extremely influential persons, between the hours of midday and 2 pm and from 5 pm until 7 pm.

Outside of those hours, alcohol may be bought only by persons who fit the following profiles.

• Males more than 175 centimeters in height and weighing between 65 and 84 kilograms and females less than 160cm in height and weighing from 42 to 58.5kg are permitted to buy a maximum of three bottles of beer and two bottles of whisky (but not Black Label) between 8 am and 11:55 am. Weight machines must be installed in all places selling alcoholic substances. Approved machines are currently produced by the Getoffmeyoufatbastard Co, a subsidiary of Fearless Leader Corp.

• Males over 160cm in height but less than 175cm and weighing between 50 and 64kg and females over 160cm in height but less than 175cm and weighing between 59 and 88kg may buy two bottles of imported beer and a bottle of gin between 8 am and 11:55 am.

• At any time between 2:01 pm and 4:59 pm, a maximum of six bottles of beer, two bottles of vodka and a can of paint stripper may be bought by people suffering male-pattern baldness or able to show they have recently had either a hair transplant or own more than six pairs of Bermuda shorts. This includes females.

• From 7:01 pm until 9 pm no alcohol may be bought by persons dressed in mini-skirts shorter than 6cm above the knee (or 8cm if the person is male or of indeterminate gender) or by people with beards, mustaches or ponytails. This includes females.

• Between 9:01 pm and midnight purchases of alcohol are restricted to amputees (although they must not have lost more than one limb) who can prove ownership of a late-model pickup truck registered either in Nong Khai or Lopburi and who have not been resident in Pattaya for more than six months and can show they have been married at least three times. Anybody suspected of deliberately losing a limb in order to obtain these benefits is liable to prosecution.

• No Catholics, Hispanics, gypsies or shoe-shine boys are permitted to buy more than one small bottle of Singha at any one time and then only if they are wearing the appropriate badge issued by the Department of Alien Registration.

Any of the above found outside of their registered place of residence and not wearing their badge will have their alcohol confiscated and a mark will be made in their passport.

The government feels these measures will be sufficient to achieve a number of aims. First and foremost, by wrapping this bureaucratic red tape in an even more Kafkaesque package than normal it will annoy almost every foreigner living in Pattaya and may well encourage many of these lesser forms of life to leave for greener pastures. Cambodia is welcome to them (although the pastures aren’t greener because of rapacious logging – but that’s another story).

Second, the amount of paperwork involved in maintaining this new system will be enormous and therefore government investments in new plantations will reap wonderful profits for those canny investors who saw the financial benefits of investing with Fearless Leader Corp and its subsidiary, the Chopitdown Management Collective Co (Pty) all those years ago.

Third, the bureaucracy needed to administer these new regulations will be cumbersome and open to full-blown corruption. This will mean the government will need to employ thousands of personnel to oversee the management of the system and these people will be so grateful for their jobs they will vote for the Thais Love Toxins party for the rest of their lives.

Of course, the rules are applicable only to the ordinary public and foreigners. People with special Thais Love Toxins Party ID cards (distributed to influential persons as well as big party donors and relatives of Fearless Leader) are exempt from the rules. Besides, few of them ever wear mini-skirts shorter than 6cm above the knee.


Drew no: no:

 

[Kelsey]

Booze...........as Far As I Can See It Rules In Most Countries.............5555555555555..............its Just Much Cheaper To Buy In Los........
Ij