Chat Jokes please

UsefulIdiot

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Time for some humor. I am not that funny but I will start, please add your own jokes.

Bob finds the one MP in his neighborhood that is still open during the pandemic. There other men there and he has to wait an hour for service. The MPA tells him FS is $200 for HH. Bob protests, but the MPA will not lower the price. Reluctantly Bob agrees and pays the $200 up front. The MPA leaves the room with the cash and comes back a few minutes later to find Bob masturbating furiously. "What hell are you doing" yells the MPA, to which Bob replies "For $200 you ain't getting the easy one!".
 
ok here

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of
how the store operates.

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the
Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door
Reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks,
'But I want more.'

So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are
Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
โ€‹

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor Number 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a
New Wives Store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have their own money and like beer.โ€‹


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


is mine
 
another one to make your day

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

10. A below par performance is considered damn good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

7. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the number one reason why golf is better than sex ..


1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
 
Time for some humor. I am not that funny but I will start, please add your own jokes.

Bob finds the one MP in his neighborhood that is still open during the pandemic. There other men there and he has to wait an hour for service. The MPA tells him FS is $200 for HH. Bob protests, but the MPA will not lower the price. Reluctantly Bob agrees and pays the $200 up front. The MPA leaves the room with the cash and comes back a few minutes later to find Bob masturbating furiously. "What hell are you doing" yells the MPA, to which Bob replies "For $200 you ain't getting the easy one!".
Have shared this before -

Went to an MPA the other day. Asked her if i was the only 1 she'd been with?
She said yes, all the others were 9 or 10's.
Ha Ha and Happy Hunting!
 
One more. No toilet paper needed.

Screenshot_20200319-103147_Facebook.jpg
 
when I first read this I thought it said penis broken
That's the joke there, Dingus


An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
Sent from my SM-G960W using Tapatalk
 
Life is not that bad people. Turn down the volume on the panic machine. How many people do you know that are sick from this? How many people do you know that have died from this thing? Put it all in perspective. You guys have a good life in a good country. I have lived in much worse countries then this during good times. never mind Canada during this time.
 
That's the joke there, Dingus


An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
Sent from my SM-G960W using Tapatalk

Lol. i actually laughed out loud
 
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my ass still hurts."
 
Some old dude told me he took a Viagara pill once. He ended up with a stiff neck all weekend.
 
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  35. Golden Sunshine Spa:
    โœจClick on our Username and FOLLOW US for updates and special services ! โœ… Click Here Today๐ŸŒธAkame๐ŸŒธChristina๐ŸŒธXuka๐ŸŒธLynda๐ŸŒธMilly Call us โ˜Ž 905 - 265 - 2158โ˜Ž๏ธ Your ultimate service awaits! โœจ
  36. Soul Relax Spa:
    โœจ Looking for a relaxing escape? โœ… Click Here Meet๐ŸŒธTina๐ŸŒธIsabella๐ŸŒธMonikaCall us today for the best treatment and service experience. Click on our Username and FOLLOW US for updates ! Call now โ˜Ž 289 - 298 - 5662โ˜Ž๏ธ Your ultimate relaxation awaits! โœจ
  37. SL Spa:
    ๐Ÿ’†โ€โ™€๐Ÿ’–WooHoo Wed๐Ÿ’– Ultimate destination for Asian massages๐ŸŽ‰ Two fab spots: Richmond Hill & Oakvilleโœจ Your passport to paradise with 10 enchanting girls fr China, HK, Japan & Korea โ€” ๐Ÿ†•Luna, Cindy, Coco,Cici, Jenny, Amber, JPN Yui, Akino, Jasmine & Lucyโ€” ready to pamper you๐ŸŽ๐Ÿ Ring us ๐Ÿ“ž647-695-6354 or text us ๐Ÿ“ฑ647-578-8169โœจ 160 East Beaver Cr., Unit 12, RichmondHill ๐Ÿ’ฐWhere Eastern charm meets Western comfort - your bliss awaits๐Ÿ™Œ
  38. Lulu1980:
    Phoenix Blossom Spa ๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน2 girls ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ5124 Dundas St W Etobicokeโ˜Ž๏ธ416-817-3366๐Ÿ‘ Table Shower Sea Salt Bath Body Scrub๐Ÿ˜˜ Japanese girl Nina โค๏ธ Natural Big Boobs 38 DD ๐Ÿ˜˜Pink Mini Nipples Hot body slide, super enjoyable๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜ very provocative service๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜, professional super Luna deep tissue massage, has therapeutic effect to loosen bones and relieve muscle pressure and will bring you unexpected service effects, she will bring you a little surprise๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜โค๏ธYou are welcome to make an appoint
  39. SpringGreen.:
    Today we have 5 girls on downtown Toronto 72 gerrard st west๏ผš๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ New girl gaga Serving The Queen ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹Bunny- Tanned Spanish beauty with large melons and a fun booty too Wendy- exotic goddess with a gymnasts body and corresponding flexibility Jennifer- Exotic beauty with... Call and text 647 891 0699 ask questions Thanks ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹
  40. Jennyโ€™s Spa:
    ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’JENNYโ€™S SPA๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’ โœ…5170 DUNDAS STREET WESTโœ… ๐Ÿ‘ŒETOBICOKE ONTARIO M9A 1C4๐Ÿ‘Œ โ˜Ž๏ธ( 647-893-5196)โ˜Ž๏ธCall or Text โ˜Ž๏ธ( 437-888-3759)โ˜Ž๏ธCall Only (ETOBICOKE) OPEN 10am to 9pm MONDAY to SUNDAY ๐Ÿ”ฅโœ…GRAND OPENING๐Ÿ’ฏNEW GIRLS EVERYDAY๐Ÿ”ฅEXCELLENT MASSAGE + SERVICE QUEENS NOW AVAILABLE AT JENNYโ€™S SPA FOR ALL YOUR MASSAGE AND SPECIAL EXTRA NEEDS๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ”ฅโค๏ธ๐Ÿ‘Œ ๐Ÿ”ฅTWO BEAUTIFUL NEW YOUNG ASIAN GIRLS EVERYDAY๐Ÿ”ฅ ๐Ÿ’ฏREAL PICTURES OF ATTENDANTS๐Ÿ’ฏ ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ’‹Limited Time Special Promotion๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ’‹ โœ…๐Ÿ’ฆ30 Minutes Nude Mass
  41. Red Rose Spa:
    ๐ŸŒธ We have 5 hot brown girls today ๐ŸŒธ MONICA, PAOLA, MALIYA, MONIKA, AMANDA, ASHA, JAZMINE, PREETI, ANGELINA, KIRAN ๐ŸŒธ 2588 Birchmount ๐ŸŒธ 2 Invergordon ๐ŸŒธ 647-702-8800 ๐ŸŒธ Please visit for a great erotic massage
  42. wilson holistic centre:
    ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•Beautiful Korean girl working at 382 Wilson Ave ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•โ˜Ž๏ธโ˜Ž๏ธ416-840-0071โค๏ธโค๏ธ
  43. wonderspa:
    ๐ŸŒบWonder spa,(9421Jane st unit127)call416-5000-800โ˜Ž๏ธbest massage in vaughan,Wednesday RMT available,๐Ÿ’„sexy face young girl Joey natural c cup,very good looking nice body slide,really popular ๐ŸŽlong hair Q Lucy good strong to relax oil massage, Relieve pain and remove stress,more experience,๐ŸŒนvery nice new girl CiCi, amazing the end,give you warm time,must try๐ŸŒน๐Ÿฅค
  44. AliceSpa:
    WEDNESDAY at ๐—”๐—Ÿ๐—œ๐—–๐—˜ ๐—ฆ๐—ฃ๐—” 416-298-0898, 4915 Steeles Ave. E, Scarborough 3 very nice girls here today. Open 10am to 9pm: CLOUDIA (11am-8pm): is Vietnamese, young, petite 5'2" & 96 Lbs, B Cup, best rim deep bbbj cim. $40 Room Fee + $80 (incl bbbj & fs). +$20 for rim/cim. Excellent open minded services. DORIS (12pm-9pm): from Taiwan, is young & petite with loing thick black hair, 105 Lbs
  45. Annie Spa:
    ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ˜˜Sexy Petite Korean๐Ÿ‡ฐ๐Ÿ‡ทGirl Eva working with Sweet Beautiful Japanese New Cummer to Canada Feifei ๐Ÿ‡ฏ๐Ÿ‡ต and Sensual Pleasing Busty Coco๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ณtoday๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ˜˜Call or text ๐Ÿ“ฒ647-891-9688 or 416-291-8879๐Ÿ“ฒ
  46. EMSpa_schedule:
    Hey! Where have you been? Today (Wednesday), our amazing attendants are Carla โ€, Cici ๐Ÿ˜, Opal ๐Ÿคฉ, Sandy ๐Ÿค— and Yoyo ๐Ÿ˜. Call us at โ˜Ž๏ธ (905) 479-6668 โ˜Ž๏ธ to book your favourite and head on over to 7665 Kennedy Road, Unit 4, Markham!
  47. ForeverWarden:
    Wednesday at ๐Ÿซฆโค๏ธ๐Ÿ”ด๐ŸŸฅโ™พ๏ธ๐“•๐“ž๐“ก๐“”๐“ฅ๐“”๐“ก ๐“ข๐“Ÿ๐“โ™พ๏ธ๐ŸŸฅ๐Ÿ”ดโค๏ธ๐Ÿซฆ2190 Warden Ave, Unit 201, Scarborough ๐Ÿฐ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿฒ-๐Ÿด๐Ÿฌ๐Ÿฌ-๐Ÿณ๐Ÿด๐Ÿด๐Ÿณ: Bella, Cindy & Sasa. Bella is around 5โ€™3โ€ with a thin to medium build, C Cups, and a pleasing personality. She can offer dfk, bbbj and cfs as well as a good massage experience. Cindy is a slim beauty, 5โ€™4โ€, natural C Cups. Her massage is nice, her services will drive you wild & her finish is a dream
  48. HolidaySpa:
    Wednesday at ๐ŸŒด๐Ÿ˜Ž๐ŸŒ…๐“—๐“ธ๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ญ๐“ช๐”‚ ๐“ข๐“น๐“ช๐ŸŒ…๐Ÿ˜Ž๐ŸŒด3517 Kennedy Rd, Unit 4, Scarborough โ˜Ž๏ธ๐Ÿฐ๐Ÿฏ๐Ÿณ-๐Ÿฎ๐Ÿฐ๐Ÿณ-๐Ÿญ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿต๐Ÿตโ˜Ž๏ธ: FIONA, KIKI & CINDY. FIONA is a slim hottie with long dark hair, great melons and ass, and nice services. Kiki is very attractive, young, about 5โ€™4โ€ and 110 Lbs., slim with a banging body. Kiki is very popular for her great attitude and services. CINDY is slim & incredibly sexy
  49. SugarLoveSpa:
    Wednesday at โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’™ ๐Ÿ’œโŽ๐—ฆ๐—จ๐—š๐—”๐—ฅ ๐—Ÿ๐—ข๐—ฉ๐—˜ ๐—ฆ๐—ฃ๐—”โŽ ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’˜: SARAH, SUSAN, TIFFANY & VIVI. 1270 Finch Ave W (at Keele St), Unit 18. North York, ON โ˜Ž ๐Ÿฐ๐Ÿฏ๐Ÿณ-๐Ÿฏ๐Ÿฒ๐Ÿฑ-๐Ÿฎ๐Ÿฒ๐Ÿด๐Ÿด โ˜Ž SARA is a beautiful Thai lady with C Cups, 160 Cms and 50 Kgs, with a full set of services to delight you. SUSAN is a small, slim & sexy Latina girl, 5'4" & 116 Lbs, with nice boobs and ass, very versatile services.
  50. ใ™ใฟใพใ›ใ‚“:
    Top notch line up with superstars like sunny , gabby , elena , kiki , Ella and cindy. At top notch wellness
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